“I’ve talked to a couple friends over the past couple months about the word grace, and how it leaves such a filthy taste in my mouth and ears when I say it and hear it. Because when I hear people use the word grace, it’s usually to excuse their behavior. Like canceling plans, being late, forgetting an appointment. Like saying something hurtful, not being helpful, or being a straight up flake. I think the evangelical, nondenominational Christian culture has taken a word that is reserved for God’s favor, and used it as a scapegoat.”
“She knew even then that the spirits needed Eun-ju to complete their unfinished business, to communicate with their loved ones who remained in the living realm. The hungry ghosts sailed through samsara, pulling at the tails of living souls, never meeting nirvana’s shore.”
"Greatness to me doesn’t mean fame, or tons of money, or even success in writing or whatever else you do. My definition of success is the ability to overcome obstacles in our lives. Greatness is when we accomplish more than what’s expected of us, and sometimes more than even we believe possible. Greatness, sometimes, is simply surviving. Greatness is leaving a mark in this world."
Libra: You might start to feel a little disoriented this week; you might move through the world unsure of where you are or where you’re going or where you want to be. It’s a week hold on to that feeling, to own it, to keep it in your pocket. Then stop and look around at all the blues and greens and golds in your world, all the patterns, all the clouds, all the faces. You can get your bearings back this week. You can remember where you are. You can learn new ways to love the world you live in.
And I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way. I think it’s important to acknowledge our victories and our losses, although I’ll admit that I probably pay attention too much to the latter.
When I feel defeated, my body mirrors my heart and mind. The shoulders round forward and my chest falls. The back arches to a slouch and my chin drops. I look pitiful and it makes me feel worse.
I have social anxiety. I’m not saying that in the way people typically name-drop conditions (i.e. “Oh my gah, I’m so OCD about color-coordinating my shoes!”). Social anxiety is “the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.”
It really sucks.
Because I look at people’s Instagram feeds or Facebook posts and I’m like, “Hey, I wanna hang out, too!” But sometimes when people reach out to me, I pull back and shake my head thinking, “No way, I just can’t.” I’m so conscious of this anxiety, that I do make an effort to reach out and connect with people. The hard part is when someone can’t, then I assume it’s because of me.
I know, so self-centered, right?
Back to yesterday, I was taking an interaction with someone way too seriously. I was running through it over and over in my mind. I was thinking about stupid things I may have said in the past. I was thinking about how this interaction would affect our relationship in the future. I was beating myself up for being so stupid. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Forget that my good friend said some encouraging things to me. Forget that my husband made an effort to calm me down.
By 10:45 AM, I’d given up. Relented.
At some point during the afternoon, I really had nothing left. I was falling in a downward spiral and trying to take care of my baby at the same time. So, not knowing what else to do, I scooped Eleanor up and turned on the shower. We sat in there for about half an hour, playing with her rubber duckies and running our fingers through the falling water. I sat her down on the floor of the tub right in front of me, her back against my belly, my arms encircling her smallness.
my shoulders rounded forward
and my chest fell.
My back arched into a slouch,
and my chin dropped.
Throughout the day, my body had been in this position because of my anxiety and self-hatred, but now as my daughter inspected a little purple cup, my body was the same and my intention was different. Eleanor tilted back her head and her eyes met mine. It was everything I needed.
“Sometimes people think they know you. They know a few facts about you, and they piece you together in a way that makes sense to them. And if you don’t know yourself very well, you might even believe that they are right. But the truth is, that isn’t you. That isn’t you at all.”—(via luxisdying)
“The New Year’s Eve promise is a strong contender, since I regret it more and more each day. It was a night that began with glitter, shots of tequila, and flirtatious boys; night yielded to residual liquid courage, adrenaline from going out and not hating it, and an impossible resolution I no longer want to pretend I’ll keep.”
Hey ya’ll! I’m excited to say that I am getting top surgery with Dr. Garramone in March. I am a person who has spent most of their life in a body that does not fully suit them and their needs in a physical way. I have been binding my chest for quite some time and I am very excited about the surge…