Wife, most importantly.
I had a seizure this morning.
A little background for those of you who don’t know: I suffer from PNES (psychogenic non epileptic seizures). They are also known as pseudo-seizures and non epileptic events (NEE). It’s an uncomfortable topic because these seizures are caused by stress and overstimulation, not by epileptic brain activity. This leads people to believe that they are fake or not real.
That’s not true.
If you want to know more about them, just visit the links above. So, going back to my seizure this morning…
I had a terrible nightmare, the kind that feels so real and terrifies your soul. I woke up and reached for my phone. My husband Matt was already at work, but I wanted to text him about the dream so he could comfort me, tell me it’s not real, say everything’s okay. But as I was typing the message, I felt the all-too-familiar sensation overtaking my body.
It starts in my hands and forearms. They tingle and contract. My hands form 90 degree angles with my wrists and my fingers curl. I was starting to lose control of my body. Matt’s text message said, “Are you okay?” Before I lost the use of my hands, I managed to type “No.” I only got the first three letters of “seizure” out. I’ve never been so grateful for autocorrect before. I hit send. He said he was coming home.
Then it started.
Every muscle of my body tensed up. At first glance, you’d think I was possessed. My eyes roll back in my head. My jaw locks. Tears stream out of my eyes. My tongue lolls from side to side. My toes curl and my knees bend into my chest. I’m completely conscious and aware, but I’m unable to speak.
What made it so much worse is that I was alone. Matt is usually with me when I have seizures, but here I was, trembling in the dark with my daughter asleep in the next room. The last thing I wanted to do was have a panic attack while having a seizure. So, I tried to do what Matt does for me…
"Everything’s okay," I thought. "The nightmare is over. No one’s hurting you. This is going to be over soon. Just stay positive."
And then, I started praying.
"Keep me safe. Help me. I don’t want to get hurt. Keep Lilnor asleep so she doesn’t get scared. Just help me. Please, help me. I’m so scared."
The next thing I knew, I could hear Matt’s voice…it was so confusing and I still had no control over my body.
"Baby? Are you there? Can you answer me?"
Somehow, my phone answered Matt’s call while I was in mid-seizure. I couldn’t talk. I could only make tiny guttural noises. I just moaned in response. He said he was hurrying and that he’d be home soon. He had to get off the phone so he could get out as quick as possible. I held onto the comfort that I wouldn’t be alone much longer and rode out the rest of my seizure as best I could.
The convulsions lasted a solid twenty minutes. By the time Matt called me back on the road, I was mildly catatonic, but had enough control to at least answer his call and listen to him coach my breathing. The closer he got to home, the more I regained my body and my speech.
Why am I telling you this?
Take your stress levels seriously. You might not have a seizure, but it can do other things to you that are just as bad if not worse. Feel free to get in touch with me if you or someone you know struggles with PNES.
“It’s possible to resist the very growth and change and expanding consciousness that God desires for you by appealing to your religious convictions.”
Insane people get angry about a Coke ad in which the American national anthem is sung in different languages. Apparently you’re only allowed to be American if you speak English.
Y’all need to realize that America the Beautiful IS NOT the national anthem. I keep seeing it referred to as that which is almost just as ignorant.
There’s a fellow named Paul who wrote a good chunk of the New Testament. He’s fascinating. He’s constantly going, traveling all over the ancient world, moving among Jews and Greeks and Romans and just about everybody else, constantly finding new and fresh ways to talk about the reconciliation…
"I recently did an interview with a magazine and partway through the interviewer said that it was clear that I had grown in my thinking and understanding in the years I’ve been a pastor. I asked her why she said that. She said It’s unusual. I laughed out loud. It’s unusual for a spiritual leader to grow? She said Yes, it’s not something we usually see in spiritual leaders.”
“We knew these men were too professionally powerful to really be held accountable for their behavior.”