Lady Akery

"Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it."

Tue, 21 May 2013 11:04:09 -0400

“Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.”

- Epictetus (via laruga)

Making upcycled magazine envelopes for @sarahpankus #diy #crafts

Tue, 21 May 2013 07:47:50 -0400

Making upcycled magazine envelopes for @sarahpankus #diy #crafts

Dogs, Anger, and Apology

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:08:37 -0400

My dog is Molly and I think she is the most beautiful dog in the world. She has wonderful coloring, the hybrid body of a deer and a greyhound, and lovely eyes.

She also makes me murderously angry.

Molly is very smart. If she knows that we’re going to the park to play fetch, then she pulls on her leash. Being pregnant and a little slow going these days, sometimes I’m not in the mood to be yanked about. Today, I acted out on my anger, jerking her around, yelling at her, and spanking her when she didn’t listen. Obviously, she hates it when I get like this and her behavior only gets worse. The cycle continues.

At one point, I think I want to choke her and finally and just close my eyes and think, “How did I get this angry? How did I let it get this bad?” We walked back home after throwing the ball for a while, which neither of us really enjoyed because I was being a butthole. I felt terrible. I felt like an awful person and maybe I should call the shelter and tell them, “Umm, I’m abusive. You need to take this dog back.”

I read a blog called Zen Habits by Leo Babauta and he makes a suggestion in regards to anger:

Widen the envelope of your perspective, from what you think is important to what the other person sees as important.

When I took Molly to the park, it wasn’t because I was looking forward to playing fetch, watching her run, and enjoying the glory of her existence. I took her to the park with a bad attitude, feeling obligated to exercise her because she was being rambunctious at home. I took her to the park to get the activity out of the way before my husband got home. There was no joy. No delight. Just…a feeling of work.

Then, I considered what was probably important to Molly at the time:

To play
To run around outside
To explore and socialize
To shake off her boredom
To be happy

Because I was in a pissy mood, I punished her for very sweet and innocent desires. She pulled on the leash because she was so excited to go somewhere with me. She wasn’t listening very well because she couldn’t contain her delight. When I started to take out my anger on her, she stopped obeying all together. She didn’t really want to play fetch anymore. She was looking for an excuse to play with someone else.

After a few rounds of sun salutations tonight, I sat in front of Molly and did alternate-nostril breathing followed by meditation. It was a really intimate encounter, to close my eyes and surrender to my breath right in front of her. When I opened my eyes, I told her I am sorry and that I love her. I ran my fingers over her paws and kissed her face.

Do not let your anger rob another of happiness. It’s cruel.

Observation, Oxytocin, and Strength

Sun, 19 May 2013 22:53:00 -0400

For years, I’ve known about the practice of observing one’s thoughts and feelings as opposed to judging them. I never put it into practice until today.

Depression is something that I’ve struggled with off and on for most of my life. Surprisingly, it didn’t get as bad as I thought it would once I got pregnant, but today was a particularly moody day for me and I was feeling very sad. I was looking out the window feeling so overwrought by my grief, this ache, the unbearable state of just being so forlorn for no identifiable reason. Then I thought, “Okay. Just observe. Step away for a second watch your feelings. Watch your thoughts.” Suddenly, it was much easier to see the root to my pain:

“I am overwhelmed.”
“I am scared.”
“I feel weak.”

These thoughts were under the surface of my sadness and I was thinking them for various reasons. I’ve been really overwhelmed by the occasional feeling of having no control over my body during my pregnancy. I’m scared of the effect my struggles might have on my unborn daughter. And I felt physically weak today. It’s so crazy how our mood can be completely taken hostage by thoughts of which we’re not aware.

I’ve been learning about oxytocin, a hormone that’s known mostly for the connection it creates between a mother and her baby during breastfeeding. Over the last several years, researchers are learning that oxytocin is stimulated by many things. Of course, yoga happens to be one of them. It just happens to be the primary activity in my life that really brings me to a place of calm. Doing it everyday during this month of May has had a huge impact on my quality of life. I also learned that survivors of abuse and trauma during childhood (i.e. me) potentially have a harder time producing oxytocin, so engaging in activities to help stimulate it is a good thing and I’m hoping it reaps great benefits for my daughter and me.

I felt very weak tonight on my mat, but felt so strong in every pose. I really tried to give each movement purpose and intention, vitality and direction. There’s a big difference between being in a pose and actively doing a pose. Engagement is key.

During meditation, the image of rubies growing out of the centers of my palms. When I placed my hands together, the rubies merging and becoming an emerald.

Ho, man.

Gnats, Purpose, and Yearning

Sat, 18 May 2013 23:58:47 -0400

Earlier today, I stood looking out at the river and was overcome by a deep awareness of something sacred. It overwhelmed me with yearning. A yearning for what? I’m not sure. I just watched the water move, felt the wind blow, and observed myself.

When I got on my mat tonight, my mind was so full of ideas that need to be placed on paper, that have needed to be written down for years, but I was always too scared to do it. There was a gnat flying around the room, making the quietest and loudest of noises. I would catch glimpses of it and sometimes it flew right by my ear. It nearly drove me crazy. But I just practiced.

I was halfway through my sequence when finally I just wanted to give up. I surrendered, taking child’s pose and closing my eyes. Then, I listened to the gnat flying, buzzing. I decided to pretend that I was the gnat and I started to describe myself:

I am restless.
I am busy.
I am small.
I am annoying.
I am seeking nourishment.

There’s unexpected truth that comes out when you put yourself in the shoes of another. Describing myself as a gnat, I identified not only how I’ve been feeling recently, but also how I see myself. Small. Annoying. This isn’t good. This should change. Where is my self worth? How do you build it?

I said a prayer and again that overwhelming sense of the sacred washed over me. I don’t really know what that means when I say it. God? A spirit? The universe? But then out of nowhere, behind closed eyelids, an image of a man smiling at me and these words:

“Just write it down.”

Okay.

Molly Bear is @matthewakery’s little girl. #dogs #mutts

Sat, 18 May 2013 21:06:47 -0400

Molly Bear is @matthewakery’s little girl. #dogs #mutts

Reverse Tabletop on Sullivan’s Island. #yoga #asana...

Fri, 17 May 2013 18:16:22 -0400

Reverse Tabletop on Sullivan’s Island. #yoga #asana #24weeks

staff: Veep! Teehee!

Thu, 16 May 2013 23:26:12 -0400

staff:

Veep!

Teehee!

Settling In, Changing Up, and Eagle Pose

Thu, 16 May 2013 23:18:13 -0400

I watched my husband fall asleep, wrapped up in his arms. I slid out of bed to start my practice. My mind was mentally kicking and screaming before I got on my mat. I didn’t resist, I didn’t fight. I just let my mind pull on my arm, leaning back, yelling like a banshee as I took child’s pose and said a little prayer. Eventually, my mind calmed down.

My sequence stayed the same, but I listened to my body’s desire to change it up a little bit. A twist here, a lunge there. I abandoned militance to make room for some breathing space. I noticed that I was having trouble with balance and tried to figure out why. I watched and felt my body as I took a lunge, extending my hands and arms into the air above my head. And there it was. I wasn’t settling in.

Here’s what I mean:

A teacher I know says you have to root down to rise up. I wasn’t taking the time to plant my feet in the ground and build a solid foundation with the bottom half of my body. I was trying to go forward without anything to push from. This led to imbalance. The adjustment was easy. Be patient, settle in, then extend up.

I’ve been making time for eagle pose, which I hate. It looks like this:

Isn’t she glamorous? I hate eagle pose because it’s hard. It makes my butt, leg, and foot muscles hurt. It works your body. You’re contorted. I don’t like exerting a lot of effort because I know I don’t look awesome. What’s up with pride, huh? So, I’ve been doing eagle pose to knock out my ego, to tone my pregnant bottom, and to work on balance.

I felt like I was losing it and then I remembered mula bandha. If you want to know what this feels like, act like you’re trying to stop yourself from peeing midstream. For women, that’s a Kegel exercise. Well, I don’t know what else to tell you except when I thought I was going to fall out of eagle pose, I did my little mula bandha and it was like anchors came out of the bottoms of my feet and pressed through the ground toward the core of the earth. I was suddenly solid. Awesome. And weird. You should try it.

Meditation was light and happy.

Love to you.

Elizabeth Gilbert: Your elusive creative genius

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:49:30 -0400

Elizabeth Gilbert: Your elusive creative genius

thegodmolecule: here is a tribe in Africa where the birth date...

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:25:58 -0400

thegodmolecule:

here is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

And it goes this way through their life. In marriage, the songs are sung, together. And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home.

This is like…the most beautiful thing I’ve ever learned.

Hanbok for #ellieake’s 1st birthday. Mom just picked this...

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:11:38 -0400

Hanbok for #ellieake’s 1st birthday. Mom just picked this up in Korea!

“How Did I Get Here” So pretty. So magical.

Thu, 16 May 2013 00:44:19 -0400

“How Did I Get Here”

So pretty. So magical.

Monkey Mind, Half Lotus, and Bliss

Wed, 15 May 2013 23:16:00 -0400

When I got on my mat for yoga practice tonight, I was resistant. My mind was all over the place and I felt very impatient to get it over with. I thought about skipping sections, making the excuse that maybe it’d be too much for my body. I pushed all of it aside and committed to the sequence that I developed for my pregnancy.

Making yourself be patient when you are impatient is somewhat excruciating at first. It’s almost as if I’m trying to will time to go by faster as I pout in each pose. I was practicing this, which I am nowhere near embodying right now, staring ahead at a chip in the paint on the bedroom door. I just wanted to stop. Every moment I held the split, I just wanted it to end. Until the last couple breaths…I just smiled and stared at the chip in the paint.

The mind is very much like an attention-seeking child. You can give your mind attention in two ways:

Do whatever it wants, whenever it tells you, just so you don’t have to deal with it.
Just pay attention to it. Observe it. That’s all it really wants anyway.

Like if you have to discipline a child…you could get angry and spank and yell. Or you can just observe the behavior, without judgment, without reaction. Eventually, the mind stops squawking.

Toward the end of the practice as I started my breathing exercises, I noticed the calm that was beginning to settle in. For meditation, I took half lotus, which looks like this:

I’m an overachiever, so I would typically take full lotus, but it didn’t feel “right” and half lotus was feeling real nice. I closed my eyes, brought my attention to my breath, and just got lost in…my breath. Bliss. Calm. Serenity. Nothing to prove. No one to impress. I’m here for me.

Good practice.

Molly Bear #dogs #mutts

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:52:24 -0400

Molly Bear #dogs #mutts

#Lunch: big ass salad of romaine, red bell pepper, green bell...

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:20:57 -0400

#Lunch: big ass salad of romaine, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, mushrooms, and ginger dressing #veganfriendly #babyfuel

May, Yoga, and Pregnancy

Tue, 14 May 2013 22:56:02 -0400

My friend Sarah and I have been cheering each other on this month to be active everyday. She has decided to run and plank no matter what and I decided to do yoga and meditate. So far, we’ve only missed two days (this past weekend). I’m pretty proud of us.

I was doing my yoga practice during the day initially, but realized that it felt best before bed. It helps me to get my mind calm and soothe my body from the day’s aches and pains. There’s something really lovely about doing yoga at night, followed by a meditation done to the soundtrack of my breath, my sleeping husband, and snoozing dog.

Over the past couple years, I’ve retreated from yoga classes in studios and gyms. For some reason, those environments breed anxiety and negative self-consciousness for me. I find that practicing yoga at home feels much more sacred, safe, and self-honoring. Also, there’s something to be said for being your own teacher. Yoga, as well as being pregnant, is teaching me that I am co-dependent on others to show me what I should do and tell me what is right. I gotta flip the script.

My belly is getting much bigger and Eleanor is very active. I notice that she is more energetic on days that I eat fresh, raw foods. Anything else tends to make us both pretty lethargic. By the way, pineapple has NEVER tasted so good until now.

So, I’m in the midst of brainstorming my birth plan. Wish me luck!

And for fun:

#Lunch: stir fry of onion, green bell pepper, and mushrooms over...

Mon, 13 May 2013 14:16:33 -0400

#Lunch: stir fry of onion, green bell pepper, and mushrooms over white rice #veganfriendly

Molly Bear is tired. #dogs #mutt

Sun, 12 May 2013 21:36:21 -0400

Molly Bear is tired. #dogs #mutt

I’m a pear. #24weeks

Sun, 12 May 2013 14:28:03 -0400

I’m a pear. #24weeks