Gnats, Purpose, and Yearning
Earlier today, I stood looking out at the river and was overcome by a deep awareness of something sacred. It overwhelmed me with yearning. A yearning for what? I’m not sure. I just watched the water move, felt the wind blow, and observed myself.
When I got on my mat tonight, my mind was so full of ideas that need to be placed on paper, that have needed to be written down for years, but I was always too scared to do it. There was a gnat flying around the room, making the quietest and loudest of noises. I would catch glimpses of it and sometimes it flew right by my ear. It nearly drove me crazy. But I just practiced.
I was halfway through my sequence when finally I just wanted to give up. I surrendered, taking child’s pose and closing my eyes. Then, I listened to the gnat flying, buzzing. I decided to pretend that I was the gnat and I started to describe myself:
- I am restless.
- I am busy.
- I am small.
- I am annoying.
- I am seeking nourishment.
There’s unexpected truth that comes out when you put yourself in the shoes of another. Describing myself as a gnat, I identified not only how I’ve been feeling recently, but also how I see myself. Small. Annoying. This isn’t good. This should change. Where is my self worth? How do you build it?
I said a prayer and again that overwhelming sense of the sacred washed over me. I don’t really know what that means when I say it. God? A spirit? The universe? But then out of nowhere, behind closed eyelids, an image of a man smiling at me and these words:
“Just write it down.”
Okay.
