Wife, most importantly.
When I was little, adults really liked to tell me that I was so smart and talented. I lived for those compliments. It didn’t take long before I did things for affirmation and adulation.
In high school, the only thing I did for me was write. I didn’t share my stories with anyone and my poetry was private. As soon as I exposed my writing to someone else’s eyes, it wasn’t for me anymore. It was for attention.
I have this chronic inability to stick to things. I come up with lots of ideas and very little follow through. The usual reason for jumping ship is lack of recognition. This happened with teaching yoga, working on my first book, drawing, starting a business and so many other endeavors.
I told Matt the other day that making music just isn’t the same for me anymore. In a world that is so rooted in identity and branding, I couldn’t keep up. I don’t like promoting myself, selling myself. I did that so much as a kid and now I don’t really know what I want out of life.
I take that last sentence back.
The problem is this: I got so stuck in the idea that I had to be identified by something that I did. You know, the question everyone asks you right after you’re introduced: “What do you do?” So many people have asked that during my pregnancy and initially I struggled with the answer, but now I’m like, “I’m making a human being.”
I want to add “dumb ass” after that, but I’m trying to make friends.
This year, there’s only one thing that I’ve really committed to and that’s the short stories I’ve been writing for One for One Thousand. I couldn’t have gotten this far without the three other writers who make up our editorial team.
So is that the secret? Is perseverance partially having a group of people who are as committed to your craft as you? People to hold you accountable and critique your worst work? People who don’t fizzle and fade?
I don’t know…
I just know that I’m not good at sticking to things when I feel alone.
And I’m trying to get to a point where being a mother and a wife isn’t, “Oh, I’m just a stay at home wife and mom.” Why is my instinct to demean these two very wonderful and beautiful roles?
BRAD PITT ABOUT HIS WIFE :
My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.
And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.
If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.
The sun diffused by a white sheet
Of cloud as evening draws near
And draws us toward each other
I was reading about the fearful-avoidant attachment style today as I was reflecting on various friendships and relationships that have ended over the past few years. It was kind of a relief to know that I’m not the only one who wants to be close to people, but doesn’t want to be close to people at the same time. When I do let people in, it’s usually with great intensity, which I’m trying to learn how to curb so as not to freak people out. Some things to know about me when it comes to friendship:
I know. It kind of sounds pathetic. Some of it comes from poor self-concept; some of it comes from being highly sensitive and introverted. I’ve spent way too much of my life thinking about how the above list makes me crazy and co-dependent, but I think it’s just how I am. I’ve read a bunch of self-help books and I do a lot of work on myself. I think there comes a time when you have to stop thinking there’s something wrong with you and just start working with what you’ve got. I’m trying to do that, starting today.
My husband Matt is the most wonderful person I know. He is a great listener and during our four years of marriage he has learned how to communicate with me in a way that is effective and nurturing. As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, the past few years were a doozy. I either lost or ended many special relationships, which left both my husband and me in a sad state of insecurity and lack of trust for others. Matt mentioned today that he is very cautious about who he lets into not only his life, but our life together. He doesn’t want us to get hurt again.
But another thing that we’re both coming to understand during this pregnancy is that what we’ve lost was necessary to lose. Once Ellie comes into this world in all her beauty and wonder, we cannot afford to be surrounded by people, situations, or environments that do not absolutely nurture us as a family. Mattie said to me today that I shouldn’t grieve the friendships or relationships that have ended. I should recognize them as periods of growth and preparation for creating a life that is best for our daughter.
My favorite character from the X-Men series is Rogue. In the first movie directed by Bryan Singer, she says that all the people she touches get stuck in her head. They become a part of her and she never loses them. That part of the movie always resonates so fiercely with me because I feel exactly the same way. Whether someone has shut me out or I’ve chosen to cut ties with someone, that person never actually leaves my soul. They are imprinted in my mind and my heart. And the absence hurts, like a phantom limb.
I have to believe that things happen for a reason. If I don’t, I become bitter and cynical. I have to believe that relationships end for good, not for bad. I have to believe that when someone chooses to distance herself from me, it’s for the best. I have to believe that the pain I go through in my interpersonal life on a daily basis isn’t for naught. Call it fate or God or the Universe or whatever catch phrase Oprah’s using these days. If I don’t believe there’s a reason behind it all, then I choose to hate myself.
It’s one thing to hate yourself, but it’s a whole other ballgame when you’re bringing a little one into the world. My daughter needs a mom who can demonstrate self-love so she can grow up knowing that she is just as important as everyone else. So, I’ve got 11 more weeks to get that under my belt. ;)
Molly Bear, @matthewakery and me at the park. This is church. #love #marriage #family